Personalities can't be summed up in words, only actions and the consequences you receive.
I am quiet, but I know to party. I was lost, I doubt I'll ever be found. I am a girl, trapped in world of always changing events. I dream too much, I'm scared of everything but I'm brave. I believe that true fear, can be erased with courage. I don't worry of the day I'm living, but what I'm not. I want to live forever, know everything, taste the world on my tounge. I refuse to sit back and let you lead the way. I wont follow you if you made me. I am, the leader, teacher, and student. I am Maddi Bleu and this is my story;
I was born on October 24th, raised by my mom, and only her. My father didn't know she was pregnant. I have two older brothers, and a little sister. I have lived in many houses, and many schools. I have made countless friends that I always leave behind at some point. My Mom is great, she trys hard for us, never once have I gone hungry, thirsty, or un clothed. She is always there to glue the peices of me back together when I shatter as I hit rock bottom. Yes I worry about money, clothes, and happiness, I fret over the future, and cry over the past. My brothers are okay, different, but okay. The oldest, doesn't have much, he still lives here, though he should have been out a couple of years ago, he was, but now he is back. The youngest "older" brother, is a father. A teenage father, though he is legally an adult. He lives with his Dad in the basement of their one story house. My sister is only my sister, and sometimes I worry that she isn't okay. I don't know what she thinks about the life that we have, or the story that we are writing, I just don't know anymore. I want more then what my siblings have, but I doubt that I will get it. I dream and I hope but that means nothing if I don't do something about it. I wish life had an easy button, one that only cost a little. I don't want to worry, or cry, or beg a God that I don't believe in, to help us, when we fall down. I don't want to explain myself or my life to strangers that don't understand. I just want more... I don't want help, or handouts. I want to do it on my own, so that someday I can say, "I did it." I live in yet another town that means nothing at all. The only difference here is that now my family, is around. My Mom doesn't like it here, I don't know if we will stay, but at the moment, we have no choice. I would like to think that we are getting back on our feet, but somedays I think that it's only a dream. I don't know what Life will throw at us next, or what tragedies will hit, I don't know know what the adult world is like, because like they said I'm only a kid.
Life seems to go on forever, I wouldn't have it any other way, some kids want their lives to end, but I want mine to stay. I'm really afraid of change, but it changes with every grade. I don't want life to be boring, sometimes, I have no other choice then to wish I was some one else. But then I see my family and so much we have worked for, and I know that someday all this will be worth it. Someday I can help my Mom, make sure my silbings have everything, and know that I have a future. A future that will make me happy, a college ride, and a job that I want to go to. I refuse to live in pity of never knowing my Dad, it doesn't really matter because my mom is all I've ever had. He could be rich or better off, he could be poor and never have a job, but to me it doesn't matter, I don't need him in my life, because with my mom, It'll never be boring. I make the rhyming sound real good, just the way you know it should. I would never stop writing, I doubt I ever could. Writing is my escape, my way of expressing the day.
"Your past dictates who you are, but your future shows you who you can be"
I live in a dream world, my noise stuck in a book, my thoughts roaming wild and free in a land that I have created. Some times the adventures I have there lead me to great feelings or some times I can't stand to hear my own thoughts. Every word in my mind leads me deeper and deeper, pushing me into a vault full of answerless questions. If I could, I would always have a good book to read, just in case I couldn't bare reality. Now as I grow older I realize why somethings were created, mostly the books that I read always give me some false sense of power. The feelings that a page full of words can express is unbelievable, my favorite book is "Secret Scribbled Notebooks" By Joanne Horniman, that book relates poetry and music to an average girls life. Joanne Horniman's writing reminds me some what of my own, but the difference is, she was inspired to write a whole book. I realize that I'm only 13 right now, and maybe in my later years I will accomplish something that I could be proud of, but right now, after almost 14 years of living, I have nothing. I have done nothing with my life, though I am looking forward to becoming someone I could look up to. Some one like Joanne. A character in the book tells about the people that come to the boarding house she lives at. she says; "A lot of the people who come here are longing for someone and looking for something" With that I come to believe that every one searching, that's what your life is for. The search of happiness. As Ronald Reagan wrote "Life, LIberty, and The Pursuit Of Happiness" as I put these two things together I realize that they have already figured it out. Two people so completely opposite realize that life is a scavenger hunt, never to be finished until your gone, six feet under. And now me, an aspiring 13 year old writer. I realize that life is something to be found, not given.
"Over the last year a lot has happened in my life, first of all I matured from the little tomboy of a girl that would only wear baggy clothes and never brushed her hair, to the teenager I am today. My brother got his girl friend pregnant and the cutest little boy was born. And the same for my other brother's best friend that is like extended family to all of us, He had a little girl. My 23 year old brother moved back in to finish college. My 15 year old cousin got a tattoo, and my aunt moved, as did we. My best friend started drugs, my tattooed cousin is fighting with her parents and my brother was fighting with my mom about his maturity level and ability to raise a child. My grades dropped as I started 7th grade in a town that I don't really fit in to, and a world that doesn't like me. I have learned a lot about the lives of others and how the choices we make affect us all and the way we steer our life - even at such a young age - will determan who we are for the rest of the time we spend on earth. I realized what I should hold close and what to let go of. Now I understand that people can let you down and not feel sorry at all, but when you let your self down, you just want to jump off a cliff. You can't change who you are but only who you can be. Through all the things that happened this year, I only cried a million times, thought about running away a million and one, but I never hurt my self or the others around me, the mental scars that I earned this year will teach me a lesson from now on and forever. I will always stand up for who I am even if I'm standing alone, there are other's out there that are just like me, there are people out there who accept me for who I am and don't care what I look like. As long as I'm happy as being me, I will go on. I promise. Through all the times i dreamed of walking away. I only cried and of course I screamed, but most of all I wrote. I wrote what I saw and the feelings I couldn't tell. The aches in side that where burning to get out are all scribbled down on paper. This year I will remember forever, not as the worst or the best but as the year I learned who I am." |   |
